Some years ago, Tim, our drumming teacher, announced were all going to learn a short solo part for our next performance. Mumbled laments came from many of us about our lack of ability and the embarrassment this may cause us.
‘Don’t let your ego get in the way’, Tim responded.
What! Isn’t ego when you show off about your ability, possibly making out you are better than you are? According to the Collins Concise English Dictionary egotism is ‘an inflated sense of self-importance or superiority; self-centredness.’ So how can our egos be getting in the way when we prefer to remain unnoticed?
It turns out that our fear of embarrassment comes from our ego, just as an inflated sense of self-importance does. Ego is self-centred. Ego is irrational. Ego is fearful. Ego is our false self.
On the other hand, our inner child is alive and free. It is creative, fulfilled, energetic, and communicative, as Jelaila Starr so eloquently describes. The inner child is our real self.
Many experts in the fields of psychology and spirituality view the ego as separate and opposite to the inner child. However, Starr hypothesises that the ego is the dark side of the inner child, emerging from imbalances created through conditioning that teaches us to believe things that contradict our inner child instincts. Alyse Young describes the inner child as a shadow that accompanies us in our adult life, influencing our experiences. Psychologist Dr Joshua Stone refers to the negative ego, with the positive side being the spiritual soul or Christmind.
Despite these variations, all agree that the wounding of our inner child affects who we are and how we react as adults. At conception, all children are innocent beings. However, traumatic experiences create our ego as we grow and develop, even in the womb. These experiences affect who we are as adults, our reactions to everyday situations, and may even manifest as disease (dis-ease).
For people who have experienced deep wounding from unimaginable physical, psychological, and sexual abuse, every aspect of their lives may be a reflection of the worst aspects of their ego, from unconsciously seeking abusive relationships, to being the abuser. They may turn to crime, abusive substances, sexual deviance, or they may become the ‘perfect’ parent, spouse, and citizen, aiming to please everyone while denying their own happiness. Their pain is often buried, along with the inner child. Only the ego is left. To heal, they need long term assistance to seek and heal their inner child.
However, even those of us who have grown up in circumstances where our parents have not intentionally hurt us, will have experienced some wounding to the inner child. The family and society, including the broader family, friends, schooling and teachers, as well as religion, have influenced our egos.
Compounding these influences is the ego-driven consumerist culture we live in, bombarding us with not so subtle messages of status. Our status is determined by where we live, the car we drive, educational institutions attended and levels attained, career and income, the clothes wear, or the holiday destination we choose. These symbols of ‘success’ are often more important than who we are as a person.
Everyone has an ego, with few exceptions. Some people keep their ego in balance, but the majority of us let it control us to some extent. Many of us may benefit from understanding how our ego may unconsciously influences the choices we make. As adults, we may not remember the circumstances that continue to affect us, but our inner child has not forgotten.
Our wounded inner child can affect us in the smallest ways, such reluctance to perform a four bar drum solo. Others and I were concerned of embarrassing ourselves, yet we were there to learn drumming. With a supportive learning environment and no negative vibes, our discomfort came from our ego or wounded inner child; ridicule from our past influencing our present emotions.
That does not mean that we should not recognise our current limitations. For example, although I am learning African drumming, I am currently unable to teach it. I simply do not have the ability or experience. If I believed that I could be a drumming teacher at this very moment, I would be working through my ego, an inflated one. However that does not mean I could never be a drumming teacher if I had the desire, but it would take practice and study.
While the example about the drumming class seems insignificant, it is often these issues driving our lives. At university, many of my fellow students had gone through their lives thinking that they were unintelligent because of one or more experiences when they were young. Twenty years later, they graduated university, something they never previously thought possible.
A close friend has dyslexia, which remained undiagnosed until she was in her thirties. When she was younger, numerous adults decided that she was not, nor would ever be an academic achiever. Consequently, she left school at fifteen to work in a field that she was not particularly happy with, even setting up her own successful business. She is now a teacher with special education qualifications, helping children who struggle with reading and spelling, just as she did.
By working with her wounded inner child, she overcame seemingly insurmountable odds to do something she had been told was not possible; learning to read and spell properly and go to university. Additionally, her own learning difficulties enrich her as a teacher because she understands the children she teaches.
At ten, I often dreamed that I could fly. I remember being in a friend’s back yard showing everyone how well I could fly. At first, I was only fence height, but as my confidence grew, I was the height of a two-story house. The other children present we scared for me, but also encouraging.
Then adults came outside and called me down, fearful I would hurt myself. Afterwards, I had difficult flying, barely making fence height, my confidence diminished. Reflecting back, I am sure this dream was about overcoming my severe lack of confidence, but instead of encouraging me, these well-meaning adults fed my lack of confidence.
Recently, the same dream returned, but this time I was soaring higher, and I also encouraged the other children to fly. At first, I refused to come down when the adults wanted me to, telling them I was fine. When I eventually came down to appease them, I retained my confidence.
As an adult, I still lack confidence at times, but I now know how to work with this. At times I am boastful about things I feel confident about, but again this is my ego working, possibly to cover up my feeling of inadequacy in other areas.
Ego affects many areas of our lives, from relationships, to career choice and the way we raise our children. Even our reactions to every day situations are often ego-driven. However, by observing the way our egos operate and listening to the messages of our wounded inner child, we can learn to heal ourselves.
How does your ego affect your life?
freedomskyz 